Mindfulness Week 1

The past few months I've been suffering with my anxiety. I've been having panic attacks for no reason and it's stubbed my confidence which used to be sky high. I took it up with my doctor recently who wasn't helpful at all and just gave me a leaflet about counselling. I know myself and my body and I know counselling wouldn't be for me, so, several superficial breathing exercises later, I decided to look up mindfulness, or MBCT. 

I purchased the book on Amazon for £10.49. It comes with a book that outlines the programme as well as the psychology behind anxiety and depression, which helped me loads to understand the the pragmatics of my illness and get better. Over the course of the next 8 weeks I'll be posting about what each week covers and how it's made me feel. I've just finished the first week. 

Available for £10.49 on Amazon

Meditating twice a day has become part of my routine now. When I don't meditate I feel incomplete. The first week's meditation tape focusses on grounding yourself with your breath and bringing different body parts in awareness. When I feel myself getting anxious or sad I can close my eyes and go into my bubble of awareness for a few moments to help ground myself again. 

What you have to remember with mindfulness is not to criticise your mind for wandering or yourself for being anxious, but remembering such thoughts are temporary and that your inner core and breath are always going to be there. It focuses on bringing different things into awareness. The weekly task was to either feel every sensation when you were brushing your teeth or in the shower, to just try and focus on these sensations rather than the frantic nature of your mind. 

I've had a busy week, too, so I chose quite a fitting week to try out such therapies. I figured if I couldn't make it through this week on mindfulness then it was never going to work. To my surprise and joy, it has worked.

On Tuesday I had a job interview and german oral exam. I meditated in the morning and felt ready to undergo such a task. Usually leaving the house makes my throat go dry and feel closed, but I walked out the house with a mouth as wet as the ocean and a throat as open as a 24/7 supermarket. 

Usually being in a room with no windows would send me into a spin. I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else. My mind would be scattered and scared. The interview lasted 2 hours in this room without windows and I only thought about the lack of windows twice for mere seconds before deciding to focus on other sensations instead. I got the job. 

Next up was my oral exam. Such a task in English would've had me out of my wits, so to undergo it in German I thought would freak me out to no end. I was wrong. I felt fine throughout the whole thing. How well I did is unclear right now, but I didn't freeze, I didn't sweat uncontrollably or cry. I focussed on the room, my breathing and other sensations and threw myself into it. 

I have driving lessons on Wednesdays, usually I panic before these and lock myself in the bathroom until I absolutely have to leave. That didn't happen on Wednesday though. I sat in the car and drive with more confidence than I ever had. My instructor said it was my best lesson yet, and I'd have to agree. Driving is the most relaxing thing I do usually anyway. 

On Thursday I had a flight to Ireland, and while I was sick in the morning, it'd be unfair to blame that on anxiety, as I'd only had a 4 hour sleep and I had to get up at 3am. I was fine on the flight, which is what I was most afraid of, especially being in such an enclosed space for an amount of time, but it went by quickly and with ease.  

On Friday, I was able to go to a restaurant for lunch, something that last month would be out of the question cuz of anxiety. I ate and I was fine. On Saturday there was the communion, which had me worried because of a) being in the church for a long time b) being around a lot of people and noise c) being unable to leave if anxiety took hold of me. I was on great form all day. I'm able to socialise a lot more now and rationalise my anxieties. I even managed to drink alcohol without having an anxiety attack. 

I was in fact fine all week. There aren't any moments where I felt anxiety was going to overwhelm me. If I felt anxious, I'd meditate and it'd soothe me and eventually I wouldn't use the tape, just my own private bubble of awareness. 

Me and My Fiancé at the Party

Hopefully next week will just be as successful. I feel much more like my previous confident and assured self. :)